The 3 hardest words to say to yourself + others*

Jul

17

2013

*it’s not what you think.

Forgiveness-quote-personalgrowth-inspiration-wisdom-lifelessons-selfhelp-therapy-howtoforgive-forgive-lettinggo-letgo-trayvonmartin

Danielle LaPorte mentioned the quote above in a tweet not too long ago. And as usual, her words were right on schedule.

Not unlike many others, I spent last weekend, glued to my television, as the news of George Zimmerman’s acquittal reverberated through the radio waves.
I was shocked. Yet not.
I was angry, frustrated and fearful.
I was sad.
A boy had been killed. And the man who pulled the trigger was walking away.
How do you even process such a thing?

Then, on top of that came the news that a young actor named Cory Monteith (star of the hit series GLEE, of which I’m a big fan), died in a hotel room in Vancouver that day, from what we now know is an accidental overdose of heroin and alcohol. More shock and disbelief.

Between these two events, on Saturday night, you could probably cut my grief with a dull kitchen knife. It was beyond palpable.
As I experienced the heaviness I grew more depressed and more angry.
So of course, the natural thing to do . . . is to pick a fight with your loved ones. And that’s what I did.
I lashed out at someone I loved. I cried uncontrollably. And if I’d really allowed myself, I would’ve loved to lay on the ground kicking and screaming. I was a HOT mess!
Even now, I can barely think of last weekend without tears coming to my eyes.

Then, acting on complete auto-pilot, I judged myself for being such a hot mess.
I blamed myself for the fight I instigated.
I blamed myself for my cat’s frighteningly slow recovery from anesthesia.
I blamed myself for watching too much TV (had I not watched TV I wouldn’t know about all these painful world events).
I blamed Zimmerman for being a cold-hearted racist.
I blamed Cory’s family for not trying harder to save his life.
I blamed my love or not understanding what I’m going through.
I blamed my sensitivity for making me so damn emotional.
I blamed my family for making me so f-ed up to begin with.

The blame spiral was in full effect.
Thank GOD, it didn’t last long.

I have a timer on my phone that goes off twice a day, reminding me to tap.
It went off and I immediately stopped, went to my desk, sat down and tapped about blame. And forgiveness.

In those moments where your internal saboteur is running the show, telling you all sorts of horrible things . . . forgiveness is the antidote.
Forgiveness is probably THE most powerful tool of change. Forgiveness lightens the load. It changes our energy. It changes everything. It allows happiness, gratitude and joy into our lives.
But (not surprisingly) forgiveness ain’t easy! It’s messy and intense and fraught with complications. It’s a true soul journey. I think of it like Frodo’s journey with the ring. Or Harry Potter’s journey to defeating The Dark Lord. Yes, I watch too many movies. ;)
Nonetheless, forgiveness is where it’s at.

What and who do you need to forgive?

There’s nothing like a public declaration to cement it in stone.
I’ll go first.

I forgive myself for holding onto grudges for far too long.
I forgive myself for picking a fight last weekend with my love.
I forgive myself for judging others and judging myself.
I forgive myself for constantly feeling I’m not enough.
I forgive myself for eating that Tombstone pizza the other day (oops).
I forgive myself for not exercising when I know it’s good for my body.
I forgive myself for numbing out when I don’t want to deal.
I forgive myself for being fiscally irresponsible.
I forgive myself for not calling my sister more often.
I forgive myself for treating my parents with disrespect.
I forgive myself for being a “know it all”.
I forgive myself for not listening more than I talk.
I forgive myself for not being there when my god-daughter passed away.
I forgive myself for not spending more time with Greg + Grandma before they passed.
I forgive this country for putting my family in internment camps during WWII.
I forgive this country for banishing other parts of my family to reservations and stealing their land.
I forgive the companies who are contributing to the destruction of our planet.
I forgive the vet who dosed my kitty with too much anesthesia.
I forgive the guy in the Benz who cut me off in traffic last week.
I forgive the cars who almost ended my life outside of the cafe a few weeks ago.
I forgive the drug makers + dealers who are profiting off the pain of addiction.
I forgive George Zimmerman for killing an unarmed boy.

It’s hard to say these little three words :: I forgive you.
Most certainly harder than saying “those other three little words”.
It might seem that by forgiving, you’re condoning the actions.
That’s the farthest thing from the truth.
I don’t condone the killing of Trayvon Martin.
I don’t condone drug dealers.
I don’t condone eating a Tombstone pizza (though I’m not gonna lie, it was tasty).

By forgiving the seemingly unforgivable, I’m letting go of the anger and pain that’s destroying me on the inside. I’m acknowledging that it is painful and sad but that it’s not mine. I can’t do anything about it. I can’t personally go back in time and change it. So I’m releasing the guilt and the anger and moving on. I’m choosing joy instead of pain. Happiness instead of anger. Life instead of death.
That’s the best way I know, to honor the memory of Trayvon, Cory, Greg, Grandma, Mari, my family and ultimately, myself.

And the great thing is, you don’t necessarily need to go to the person you want to forgive and say it to their face. Just the act of releasing it out loud to yourself is enough to break its hold on you.

If you’re interested in reading some really great words on forgiveness, I highly recommend you check out Karla McLaren’s book The Language of Emotions: What Your Feelings Are Trying to Tell You.
You can read a powerful excerpt here.

What and who do you need to forgive? Can you bring yourself to utter those three little words? And if you’re willing, please share who and/or want you need to forgive in the comments below.

xo

 

{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }

Rebecca July 17, 2013 at 12:20 pm

Hi Stephanie! Thank you for sharing your experience and reflections. (It feels really strange to be sharing this here- I’m not in the habit of commenting on blogs, and I’m just going to put it all out there!) At the moment, I’m struggling with forgiving myself. I am judging myself really strongly for the fear that is keeping me from moving forward with my work, reaching out to people, and living from my creative center. It’s a fear of being seen, of failing, of doing it wrong, of strangers (or people I don’t know yet)… and it’s really hard to admit and really look at how I am allowing these fears to win over compassion, caring, connecting to others, and simply contributing to the world in whatever way is mine to do (I totally believe that each person has their unique gifts and presence to share… Hard time extending that to myself, often.) It’s quite shocking… and the lack of forgiveness seems to be keeping me from taking action & getting to that “F%#* it” place where the fears become irrelevant and compassion is all that matters.

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Stephanie Watanabe July 17, 2013 at 12:32 pm

Rebecca, I’m so happy you shared this moment (especially since I’m sure it took a bit of courage to do it in a public forum)! I SO resonate with your struggle. Believe it or not, I’m going through a similar thing. And I know many others who are as well. As entrepreneurs and makers of our own destiny, it’s so scary to put ourselves and our work into the world. I think it takes baby steps. Baby steps towards sharing, connecting and even towards forgiveness. I believe just the act of sharing it here is helping you take those steps. Also, if you haven’t, maybe try tapping. It’s a bit “woo woo”, and I have no idea how it works, but it works. :)
Thank you again for sharing ~ lots of love to you girl! xo

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Rebecca July 17, 2013 at 12:53 pm

Thank you, Stephanie! I haven’t done any tapping in a while! What comes to mind, too, is what Byron Katie says: “There are no new stressful thoughts.” Sharing and connecting, I feel lighter. Breaks me out of the private hell… and reminds me that other people are walking around in their private hell, too & don’t have to be… It breaks the spell of guilt/shame. Then, it’s no longer hell! It’s interesting to know these truths intellectually, and then experience living them- even briefly. So easy to get lost in the intellect & not realize I’m not actually living them!

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Stephanie Watanabe July 17, 2013 at 1:06 pm

SO true (love Ms. Katie)! Love everything you said and totally agree. My intellect likes to run the show, so your words actually reminded me that I want to be more vigilant about feeling it in my body as opposed to just thinking about it. Thank you for that.

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sandra July 21, 2013 at 3:05 am

Hi Stephanie! Wow your blogpost is something…So honest! I’m regularly this hot mess and I’m ashamed of it because it’s hurting me and others and I wasn’t like this before (as a kid). I guess I have to forgive myself for that too. Forgiving really is difficult but once it’s really done, it’s done, and the pain is really gone. Forgiveness is a powerful and scary thing. Thank you for reminding me of this :)

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Stephanie Watanabe July 21, 2013 at 7:22 pm

I know what you mean about being ashamed Sandra (and don’t worry, I’m a hot mess regularly as well). It’s so hard to know you’re not behaving at your best. But trust that it’s all part of the journey – even the embarrassing moments. :) xo

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Anne at The city sage July 21, 2013 at 5:38 pm

Phew! This was a tough one to read because it brought up SO many of my own feelings! I’m SO impressed and have so much admiration for your courage and strength in writing this and putting it into the world. For me the hardest thing about forgiveness (towards myself, family, friends, nameless and faceless others) is every time I think I’ve done it, somehow I realize later that I haven’t after all. It feels like forgiveness is a choice I have to make again and again and again, the act of letting go is as constant and eternal as that of breathing out. And sometimes you’re so stuck that it feels like you JUST. CAN. NOT.

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Stephanie Watanabe July 21, 2013 at 7:30 pm

Thanks for the note here Anne! And I couldn’t agree more. It’s a weird thing, when you think you’ve done the work and it comes back again and again. I think there are layers of forgiveness. Just like there are layers (and depths) to the thing/person you are forgiving. I think it comes in waves. And I wonder if we’re ever truly done…

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